Friday, August 18, 2006

It is like a newscast or something. A rant!

Dude, how in the F do you end up stuck in a vat of freak'in chocolate? Was this dude touring Charlie's Chocolate Factory and forgot to listen to Charlie's specific instructions? "Children, the Oompa Loompas don't take too kindly to outsiders jumping into their oompa-superba-chocoloompa-mixing bins." Well, at least they were giving him water while he slowly simmered in 110 degree chocolate. Did he think he may die cooked in chocolate? That is some strange Alice in Wonderland stuff. I am willing to bet this dude does not eat another piece of chocolate in his life from now on unless they are M&M's. The whole thin candy shell protection system. Thanks Tommy.
O.K Boulderites. This Jon Benet thing is getting old. Like, maybe 10 years old. However, this dude that claims to be the one who murdered her eerily looks like Scott Monniger of Boulder. Ya, the pro for Health Net. Are they brothers? Regardless, this sick ass is just a pedofiliac sociopath looking for some attention. I would be surprised if he did it. He is looking for attention in a case that he has followed closely due to his attraction to Jon Benet. But put this guy in a Health Net kit and onto a team issued, can we be sure they are not related? Scott? who is this dude? Do you know him? I am hoping not. O.K, Brittany. They are called "Trojans" and they sell them in just about every dive convenience store you will ever find yourself in. Next time you need a Big Gulp and a Supersized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos just meander on over to the next isle and pick yourself up a box or have your nanny pick some up. Be sure to teach Kevin how they work. South Park has a good episode where the kids go buy some "Lil Gladiators" for sex-ed. Just watch that over your next Busch Light Draft and you will learn everything you need to know. And damn, you look like crap. I mean that "puke-in-your-mouth" crap. Possibly the 700 calorie Starbucks coffee-like dessert in your hands may have something to do with that. Crap, I mean crap. Look at you. Which trailer are you living in now anyhow. With the big record sales you must have stepped up to a Double Wide. Maybe even a quad-wide. Are you seriously the same girl from the videos that stopped damn nearly every man in his tracks within the United States upon contact? What happened? What went wrong? Girl, you are losing it and you are like 19 or something. It is called a Physical Trainer and surely you can afford an entire team of them. Can you say Nu-Trition-Ist? No more Triple shot cafe mocha creamer shake things with carmel and extra fudge sauce. Starbucks is a coffee shop, not a Dairy Queen. Who knew?
Damn I am being critical today. Hey, someone blew there nose in Zimbabwe so gas prices are going down. Hey, someone combed their hair in Germany, there goes another cent. Please, one more lame and unrelated excuse as to why oil is going up and down and I am going to start drilling for my own oil. Hell, Jed simply shot the ground with a shotgun while out hunt'in for some food and look at where it took his family. Freak'in Beverely Hills. However, there are no excuses or real reasons as to why the major oil companies are making record profits. Whats their excuse? Let me check my wallet..............oh ya, O.K, I see.
Well, we are off to Downers tomorrow for some over-crowded crit field racing. Funny that they can fit 175 riders on a one-mile course but can only run 125 at the Road Nationals. Make sense of that all and you are automatically nominated as the next USA Cycling President.
Fuel owners!! Speak up. Have you ever had problems with chains slipping on the middle ring when you put some power into a specific crankarm? My Fuel is jacked and we have tried damn nearly everything. Luckily the Ore to Shore was a big ring fest otherwise I would have been put into the dirt like I was a couple of days ago. Speak up if you have strange issues with your Fuel. Let me know, let Trek know. I am as stumped as Trek is and we are both working feverishly to find out what in the hell is going on with my bike. Devil's Head in the big ring is not in the cards.
For those of you going to Trekfest this weekend.......easy on the martinis'. Ciao -Ian


CXKing said...

HAve you checked the teeth on your middle chain-ring? I had a problem like yours and I had worndown or bent somehow a few teeth on my middle ring. I had to ride powder monkey in my big ring because of it. I led for a few laps until I couldn't turn that big of a gear over anymore.

Ian Stanford said...

Nope, that is not it. I have used several different cranksets. Hey, I need your email. I have a sweet photo of you from Ore to Shore

CXKing said...

Is it of me fixing my broken chain?

Email is

Thor said...

How can I compete with a blog like that??? From Morninghair lookalikes to Darwinism at its best (the "chocolate incident"), I hope you feel better after a rant like that!