Friday, December 15, 2006

O.k, it didn't work

I really tried to kick the coffee consumption but the cold turkey route does not work. I bought some Caribou Decaf but I was dragging ass all morning afterwords. I think that stuff made me more tired. So, I am enjoying in moderation instead.
Rules on coffee-
1. Yoga and coffee do not mix. Your Tree Pose is going to be a bit shakey. A 180 heartbeat is not relaxing in yoga either.
2. Downsize your coffee mug. You don't need that much. "Oh, Big Gulps! Well, take it easy."
3. Lifting weights on too much coffee could lead to severe head injuries.
4. No one should know what you like, how you like it or what your name is when you go through the local coffee shop drive-Thru.
5. Coffee at 9 pm means awake until 9 am. You have to make a cut-off point man.
6. Never lead yourself to the point that you need Crest Whitening Strips. That is....
7. An Addiction. And those are hard to shake. "ya, uh, hello. My name is Ian and I am a recovering coffeeholic." shake, shake.
8. Dilute it out every other sip with that waterbottle that is in your other hand. All good cyclists have a water bottle glued to them somewhere.
9. Be sure that if the coffee consumption is flowing that there is a bathroom nearby because you never know when you will need to be going. "Hmmm, I feel just fine.......oh crap, I need to take a leak." "Pull over dude.........no, now!"
10. Your trash can weighs 50 lbs from all the old filters and coffee grounds inside it.
11. You can control your coffee.......no, it controls you. That is why you drink it whether you know it or not. You are the slave. Yes, you are its slave.
12. Go to the Lagwagon song, "Coffee." You will then know it all.
13. Don't feel bad. Coffee is the most consumed beverage in the World. Sorry Tea folks, you are second. In my hometown Mountain Dew is number one. You can see it in the bellies.
14. Coffee does not max your adrenals. You max your adrenals thinking that coffee is maxing your adrenals.
15. You are always going to feeling guilty no matter how much of anything you are putting into your body even if it is simply water. Just enjoy.
So hopefully that helps others who are in the coffee boat with me. The stuff just rocks. Now, how come coffee companies are barely involved in a sport that lives on this black gold? Caribou? what is up with you guys?
-Ian

2 comments:

Donut said...

Do not believe these LIES.

Oh yeah, if you drink coffee and then ride in the cold it will make you caffeine drunk and you will not be able to ride a straight line. This comes from experience.

blue squirrel said...

very funny, but really good luck my friend.
i tried and decided that espresso is my only vice and i should just embrace it. coffee is my yoga